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Dating Yourself : Teaches Others How To Treat You
If you’re not treating yourself well & prioritizing you - what message are you sending to others in your life?
If there is one thing we all can agree on - it’s that living in this dumpster fire is not easy. It’s overwhelming and fast-paced, and we can tend to really forget about ourselves. Plus we have the internet, people in our lives, and social media telling us what we should like or should be into at a given moment of the day. It’s a lot.
We tend to put ourselves on the back burner quite frequently and while we are running our lives with what everyone else wants to do or what they like - we don’t make time to do what we like. This leads to things like burnout and emotional exhaustion. It makes us detached and has us feeling a “failing to thrive”. We might not even know what we “like” to do anymore. So when people ask us “What would make you happy right now?” - the response in your head is usually “Well if I knew that I wouldn’t be having this conversation right now…would we Sharon?!?!”
This was the case for me a few years ago ( I go deeper into it on this podcast episode) and what I found was that “Dating Myself” was what I really needed. Plus therapy and some other things. But this is about this.
My friend J.F. sent me the book The Artist’s Way and with it in hand, I set out to figure out new interests, while remembering the old things I like that I let slip away. I also had to get real with myself and let go of the things that really weren’t bringing me any joy anymore but I was holding onto “just because…”
I know what you're thinking - "What? Date myself? Isn't that just being alone?". Yes…sort of.. But hear me out. Dating yourself is all about prioritizing your own needs and figuring out what you want to do. Not going along with the crowd. It's about cultivating a healthy relationship with yourself, just like you would with a partner, a friend, or anyone you have a close relationship with.
So why should you date yourself?
Self-discovery: Dating yourself allows you to explore your interests, values, and desires. You can get out of your comfort zone, try new things, do what excites you, and be fully present in it.
Self-care: When you date yourself, you prioritize your own needs and take care of yourself. You can take yourself on dates, buy yourself gifts, or do things that make you feel good. This helps you learn how to speak your own language and then gives you the confidence to let those in your life know how to treat you.
Independence: When you learn to enjoy your own company, you become more independent. You don't need someone else to fill your cup, or bring you joy - you do it for yourself.
Boundaries: When you stop relying on others for your happiness you aren’t afraid to say “you don’t want to do something” or say “ no”.
So if you’re thinking - Ok this sounds great…but give me some ideas here Donna. Here are some things I’ve made a part of my “Date Myself” Ritual.
Take yourself on a date: just like you would go out of your way to plan a date for a partner or friends visiting from out of town - do it for yourself. I know pretty simple. But…see how hard it is to follow thru on that.
Splurge on Yourself: a new outfit, a new piece of jewelry, that piece of luggage for your travels, a trip, a book, a haircut, a day at the spa - whatever you want.
Set Aside a Block of Time Daily or Weekly For JUST YOU - just like you spend time on social, or texting or FaceTiming friends - take a chunk of that time and be social with yourself.
Get a hobby: Take up a new hobby or activity - Use this time to explore your interests and learn new skills.
Travel solo: One of the best things I ever did was start solo traveling - it can be a weekend, a day trip, or a week alone.
Journal: Start with simple things like a brain dump, or daily gratitude..from there you can dig deeper. Journaling and reviewing my thoughts, emotions, and ideas has helped me so much. I even took the journal/planner I made for myself and put it in the Donas Shop.
Vision Boarding: if you know me, you know I love vision boarding. Just like we ask our friends and children their wildest dreams we should ask ourselves. Vision boarding is a great way to do what.
If you want more of this …listen to the podcast below or get some more ideas and my personal shares in the video
Self Care hard ™️
We’ve been told “Work Hard…Play Hard” . but we have never been told to tend & take care of ourselves HARD.
Or maybe we did but I was too busy working & playing hard that I didn’t get the memo ↓
That seems to be a running theme for me sometimes “not getting the memo” whether it’s at work cause I got too overwhelmed by the amount of emails in my inbox and flipped to social media instead. Or me not realizing for close to 2 years when I was in grade school that I was the butt of the inside joke and I was not laughing with people but they were instead laughing at me. OOhhf. Or continue to keep relationships, connections, projects, or even wild nights on life support when they are long overdue on their expiration because I have this thing with nostalgia. Nostalgia and I go way back…like old lovers. So maybe I’m just late to this or exactly on time…who knows? But here we are.
I think sometimes the hardest part is knowing how & where to start.
Here we all are after two years of being in a Global Pandemic and all things it brought, ended, or finally made us aware of. Two years of being in The Dumpster Fire, turning Forty Years Old on a Zoom birthday, Times Square looking like that scene from “Eyes Wide Shut”, people running out of the city and me being given an “official letter” by the Governor that I can stay out past “curfew”. All while having my “ lil project” mirror “lil donna” and just do what it wanted to do regardless of my plans for it.
Two years of starting a podcast, hosting moon circles, running on fumes, starting a small business, feeling good & feeling like I failed all at the same time. Two years of actual “Survival Mode”.
I had a lot of ups and downs and also had very few reserves left. I was leaning into unhealthy habits again, old “stuff” was coming up, and I felt isolated and disconnected from friends, family, and myself. But also none of the “things” that used to bring me joy…were. So I couldn’t “fix” it….even temporarily.
The things that I used to like or look forward to didn’t hit for me anymore. I felt like I fell off. & I was pissed at myself for letting this happen…AGAIN.
And this pissed me off - I had spent the previous few years really working on my mental health, “unpacking”, pushing myself out of my comfort zones, paying down my debt, finding a community, creating community, and this project on the internet. On paper, I should be thriving. But in reality, I wasn’t. How the hell did I find myself back at square one and slipping again?
This time I surrendered.
Mostly because…I was too tired to resist. I couldn’t go another round. So I called myself out on my shit…AGAIN but this time made podcast episodes about it. I did things like Hygge, addressed my social media addiction, practiced staying present, dealt with my shadow resentment, and saved a dude’s life on a plane. I evaluated and reestablished my relationship with booze, myself, “fixing” and codependency.
After almost a year of being in my feelings, eating whatever I wanted (I gained almost 20 pounds), and holding space for myself, ya girl was ready. I decided the first step was to finally clean out the basement and attic of my mental and emotional health and dust the cobwebs of the things that crept back. From there, my physical health would follow. Oh yeah and this time would give me some grace and consideration for all the stress we had been under the last 2 years, I accepted that my nervous system was wildly overwhelmed and needed to recoup.
I accepted that this didn’t happen overnight & I probably wasn’t going to “bounceback” like I used to.
For one Im not 22 anymore. But also we have really been through it. So… I have spent over a year working on this in therapy and workshops and reading science articles and studies. also Reddit boards and memes.
I tried to figure out the best balance for my dopamine-loving, checking-off, and list-making self, and I came up with Self Care Hard.
During the time I was figuring out how to get my shit together again, I sat next to my co-worker and said I out loud “I just wish I had a mom who would like tell me what to do and plan it all out” and she said, “I just wish there was this guide on how to do it..”
How could two nurses be sitting there wanting someone to guide them and hold their hands in taking care of themselves?
How could we not know how?? We ARE NURSES, it is in fact what we do. But hey..I wasn’t alone.
So I got to work and created this plan I could follow that would set the foundation for “the next chapter of Me” - I laid it all out on post-its and notebook pages on my walls and living room floor. It was a real scene lol. But I thought you know what? this might be worth sharing.